Alphabets and Words Dance Inside my Head

uxoof: ris
AHK:?
uxoof: anaknya TJ meninggal
AHK:innalillahi
AHK:tau darimana suf?
uxoof: mo takziyah gak?
uxoof: chat room
AHK:kapan?
uxoof: sore ini
uxoof: ke RS Harkit
AHK:yuk
AHK:bareng aja

*the third line of the conversation membuat saya shock

yesterday a friend of mine baru saja terkena musibah, actually two...
it's T&T... they lost their baby

her name was Tatyana Jannati , such a beautiful name
she died when she was born

apparently they knew that there was something wrong with her while she was still in her mommy's tummy
it was a cromosom abnormality or something like that...
the doctor said that it was impossible for the baby to be born without any extraordinary interference

so the baby need blood transfusion while still inside of Tari
her blood type was O Rh-, an O Rh- donor isn't really easy to find
Alhamdulillah Teje managed to find a donor in facebook, theres a FBgroup made by groups of O Rh- people
but that wasn't the end

it turns out that the baby got some kidney problem
she took fluids from her mommy but she didn't leak any urine out
so another surgery needs to be applied to take out the urine
the side effect is it that a contraction might happened
and it did

The nurse tried so the baby can be born normally, tapi posisinya sungsang
finally a caesar surgery had to be done
the baby...
Teje look at the baby from behind a window being held by a nurse, she wasn't crying
she didn't make it...
the doctor said to Teje that there was no pulse and that she was probably died while she was still inside

her weight was 2kg and her length was about 40cm

beratnya 2kilo trus panjangnya 40cm
*while He was glancing at Tari and She was glancing at Him

Teje told all of this to me while i was visiting them as the hospital yesterday
Though he can still make jokes and laugh at that time, but i can definitely see His sadness
apalagi Tari, she looks... empty

i feel so sad for both of them, they have waited for more than 35weeks

anyway a couple of other friend also visited
one that i will mention here is Mas Zubed, nasehat yg dia berikan utk Teje adalah

Sabar, kalau sudah rejekimu engga akan kemana. nanti akan ada penggantinya. yg tabah ya Je

Where do we start...

ok here it goes

about two days ago, while i was playing with my guitar...
singing dua sejoli from dewa dengan suara saya yang jauh lebih mendayu-dayu daripada once :D...

tiba2... pop... nongollah message dari the moon goddess, yang serta merta menutupi chord yg sedang saya mainkan dan tentunya dengan refleks saya berkata "aaaaarrrghh"...
kecewa berat nih padahal sedang saya rekam

so we chat about... things... selesai chat maka saya playlah hasil recording tadi, dengan nada gitar yg cukup ancur dan suara saya yg samar2... dan diakhiri dengan "aaaaarrrghh"... well i thought it was funny so in the morning i send the recording to the moon goddess.

apparently she didn't check her email... dan dia baru denger malamnya, itupun setelah saya tanya dan forward ke email kantornya

the next morning she replied and her words was
"Nice.... suara gitarnya terlalu doniman, suaramu tenggelam g kedengeran #sokkomentar :p"

malamnya seperti biasa genjrang genjreng gak jelas...
and so i read again her comments... and i notice several things... at first... agak sedikit ngeledek... eventhough maksudnya mungkin bukan kaya gitu... and second... who's doniman? :P

so i made another recording... checking out chordlist on my netbook...
slank... sounds good but not if i play it
dewa... excellent but E1 E2 E3 was just not easy
scrolling down...
ah i can play this one... it was "the only exception" by paramore
record it with my netbook... sounds awfull... i barely hear my own voice
record di hp... ahaa... suaranya lebih kedengeran...
jadilah sebuah track dengan durasi hampir 4menit saya email ke moon goddess paginya

dengan tambahan dari quotenya
Nice (diangkat dulu).... suara gitarnya terlalu doniman(siapa itu? kaya nama tukang sayur), suaramu tenggelam g kedengeran (skarang baru dibanting) #sokkomentar :p


sebelum brangkat training saya cek fb dulu... looking at notifications... and i notice her name...
it's not a link... i tried to search her name... not found, check several last comments made by her... no longer exists...

wow... did i do something wrong?

check on my phone... she's online but invisible... for the rest of the day...
owkay maybe she didn't took the song as it was supposed to be

but before i come to that conclusions i did a discussion with my friends...
one that i will mention here was Ms.I
so i ask her "Ms.I, tadi pagi gw krimin lagu ke temen gw koq tau2 gw dibanned ya"
kmudian Ms.I menanyakan several things..
such as... am i approaching this girl and ud kenal brapa lama...
and so i answered... dulu gw emang sempet brusaha ngedeketin tapi ud ditolak

and Ms.I said "nah itu dia", she comes with a conclusion maybe the moon goddess thought that i'm still making a move on her with that song... jadi si Ms.I suggest that i ask to the moon goddess, tapi belaga bego

sangat disayangan belaga bego bukanlah hal yg mudah bagi saya :P
jadi setelah solat maghrib dengan hebatnya saya nulis di ymnya moon goddess seperti ini...

AHK: hm...
AHK: sepertinya saya perlu melakukan konfirmasi untuk lagu yg saya kirim tadi pagi
AHK: it was actually for lucu2an
AHK: i was expecting comments like 'waaah keren *histeris' or 'suara lu kmana2 gitu ris'
AHK: it was not an act to make a move on you, i'm done with that
AHK: the sentence "i prefer not to share too much with that" maknanya cukup bisa saya pahami dg baik
AHK: and the song, paramore the only exception
AHK: lagu yg saya inget dengan chord paling gampang, cuma G Dm Cmaj7 muter2 aja
AHK: how you would respond is fully up to you
AHK: kayaknya konfirmasinya cukup
AHK: and yes i know ur currently invisible
AHK: ^__^
AHK: no i'm not guessing, i definitely know
AHK: assalamualaikum

5 minutes later no reply from her
so it's done...

pesen Mcd, and when i return to my pc... she replied... the conversation goes like this...

the_moon_goddess: Diiijjjjj
the_moon_goddess: Waalaikumsalam
the_moon_goddess: Maap baru liat
the_moon_goddess: Hari ini aku g ngantor
the_moon_goddess: Aku blm denger the 2nd
the_moon_goddess: Nanti aku liat yaa
AHK: hee...
AHK: trus knapa fb ku di banned?
the_moon_goddess: Seharian aku tepar,baru bangun setengah 3
the_moon_goddess: Aku g banned
AHK: tenanan?
the_moon_goddess: Iyah
AHK: aseeeem
AHK: *malu saya

Onde mande...
dengan sigap saya laporlah ke Ms.I tentang jawaban dari moon goddess, mau tau jawabnya Ms.I?

Ms.I: lagian yeh
Ms.I: lo mah emang dodol
AHK: lah kan dirimu yg bikin kesimpulan
Ms.I: siapa yang nyuruh lo explanation
AHK: klo gak kmu suruh saya gak akan konfirm
AHK: lah emang harusnya gimana?
Ms.I: kan gw cm nyuruh lo nnya
AHK: salah ya?
Ms.I: belaga bego
AHK: :))
AHK: saya emosian sih ndri
Ms.I: fb nya kenapa eror
AHK: gak tau
Ms.I: ini lo malah explanation
AHK: :D
Ms.I: *ngakak gw*
Ms.I: kesimpulan apa?
Ms.I: baca lagi recent chat nya
Ms.I: xiixixi
Ms.I: ada recent chat gw ga?
Ms.I: kan lo nnya harus gimana gw
Ms.I: salaaaaaaaah
Ms.I: salaaaah total
Ms.I: dodol
Ms.I: trus gw blg
Ms.I: ya udah lo belaga bego aja tnya sama dia
Ms.I: fb lo kenapa? eror ? ko gw ga bisa liat
Ms.I: kalo dia ga respone lo berati dia emang ga mau dideketin
AHK: huahahahaha
AHK: maap... maap.... namanya jg anak muda.... napsuan
Ms.I: udah ketauan bener ini mah lo nya suka
AHK: ahahahahaha....
AHK: klo itu mah emang ud ketauan
AHK: wong gw ud pernah bilang maksud gw, tapi ud ditolak secara halus

so i told to the moon goddess about me asking Ms.I's opinion
i told Ms.I about what moon goddess replied

and those two ladies malah menertawakan saya
they both look very amused with my foolishness
and me... i look like udang rebus
(^__^!)

when you feel the weight is too much
and it's so hard even just to breath

when no one can catch you when you fall
and no one can shed the light when it's dark

when it feels like you're trying to hold the wind
and there's nothing that you can do

you're not alone
He's with you all the way
shall guide you everyday

have faith in Him
He will not abandon you

when you're living without a cause
and you don't know which path to take

when it feels like everyone is gone
and death is all you've known

you're not alone
He's with you all the way
shall guide you everyday

have faith in Him
He will not forsake you

-AHK-

hujan selalu bisa mencuri kesadaranku
menculikku dari realita
dan menarikku ke sebuah masa yang entah nyata atau tidak

rintik hujan melalu menyisakan kenangan
aroma tubuhmu
hangatnya senyummu
renyahnya tawamu
dan aku selalu dapat mengingat
aroma strawberry pada tubuhmu

-AHK-

liar liar
i'm a big liar
well maybe i am
so what are you gonna do?
sue me?
no, you should just kill me instead
go ahead and do

take this knife and cut me open
take it and cut me open bitch!

to make things easier...
how about i just do it for you
i'll just cut my chest open for you

see!... can't you see...
go look in there bitch!

i got nothing, there's nothing
you won't see anything
coz i got none

you won't see any regret
you won't be able to hear my embitterness

you can't kill what's already dead

so fuck off bitch
i don't want you

yeah sure i've teased you
but that doesn't mean i need you

it's no more that just a game
you're just a pretty toy that i've played

and now it's time for you to be wasted

fuck off and leave
can't you hear me bitch

stop that whine and tears
the fact is not going to change over your stupid little act
becoz this is the truth

i'm dead!

-AHK-

Manis, lebay, ngangenin, nyebelin, nagih...

*AHK = saya
*TMG = The Moon Goddess

AHK: Ihiiiy
TMG: opooo?
AHK: Itu statusnya
TMG: maaf lahir batin yah dij
TMG: :D
TMG::kata orang hujan itu rindu
AHK: Maaf lahir batin mulu, kan sudah di sms
TMG: ape coba
TMG: masa? lupa :D
TMG: hujan itu rain
TMG: -___-"
AHK: Hujan itu langit yg bersedih
TMG: hayah
AHK: Hujan itu berkah
AHK: Dan hujan itu saya yg terjebak di pos satpam
TMG: langit yg bersedih itu the sky is being sad
TMG: hahaha i like the last one :
TMG: :D
AHK: But i dont
TMG: dl
AHK: Jadi sperti orang bodoh. Ngetem di pos satpam sambil nonton zainudin mz
TMG: :))
AHK: Ah skarang berganti jadi infotainment
TMG: :))
TMG: halal n haram
TMG: :p
AHK: Woooh... Pasha dapet harim baru
TMG: sapa sapa?
AHK: Entah, kutilang tapi rada item
AHK: :))
TMG: bukan sama alisa subandono lagi?
AHK: Oooh namanya raihanun
TMG: hayah
TMG: abg ga?
AHK: Kayaknya sih, tampang2 abg labil
TMG: hmhm i c
AHK: Asik ya jadi vokalis band
AHK: Dikelilingi harim
TMG: masa si?
AHK: Hujannya awet
TMG: langit lg sedih
AHK: The sky is longing
AHK: Jikalau saja bersedihnya setelah saya sampai dirumah maka saya akan bahagia
AHK: (-__-!)
TMG: :))
AHK: Mentang2 manis senyum mulu
TMG: aih aih
TMG: saya jadi maluuuu
TMG: #najong
TMG: :p
AHK: *manis tapi lebay
TMG: :p
TMG: lebay tp ngangenin
AHK: *no comment
TMG: #apasih
TMG: :))
AHK: Ngangenin tapi nyebelin
TMG: nyebelin tapi nagih
TMG: #aseekk :p
AHK: Moso sih?
TMG: meneketehe
TMG: naluri ilmiah membela diri ketika kejelekan dibeberkan :d
AHK: Kejelekan yg mana?
TMG: lebay,nyebelin :D
AHK: Asem... Kayaknya satpamnya kentut nih
TMG: :))
TMG: D L
AHK: Lebay,nyebelin and very defensive
TMG: emang :p
AHK: Memangnya saya menyeramkan ya?
TMG: menyeramkan?
AHK: Lah itu yg menyebabkan dirimu menjadi sangat defensive
TMG: defensive dan menyeramkan?
TMG: tak ada yg menyeramkan
AHK: Why then?
TMG: cuma neraka yg menyeramkan #hasyah
TMG: bukankah normal?
TMG: ga ya? :D
AHK: Being a little more open wouldn't hurt
TMG: :D
TMG: separah itu kah gw?
AHK: Here we go again *the moon goddess being defensive
TMG: :D
TMG: emang separah itu ya gw?
TMG: kl gw curhat, n mengakhiri dengan pertanyaan ke temen curhat "aneh ya gw?" mostly jawabannya "iya"
AHK: all i can say is, It's working very well becoz i have no clue what to do
TMG: -___-
TMG: :D

sebuah saat dimana saya merasa benar2 sedang berkomunikasi dengan Tuhan
having that "man to God conversation"

i call it conversation because that's the way it is,
lupakan semua bahasa formal yang ada di kitab suci
maupun doa-doa yang diajarkan melalui hadist

bicaralah dengan Allah, bicaralah dari hati, bicara menggunakan hati

the 1st conversation with God that i recall was about 5 years ago
things were getting bad, and i mean really bad

i was so helpless,
sampai pada kondisi dimana saya begitu binggung dan saya hanya dapat pasrah
the urge to just talk and tell it all to my creator
at that time i feel so close with the Divine
i don't even feel that way during sholat

couple of days later, He answers :)
and up until this day
Alhamdulillah

which is sad if i think of it now
i only talk to God when things were bad
when things getting out of hand,
but when things were getting so right
but when nothing is wrong.

Who's God?... God Who?
as if i don't even know Him
sholat?, ya tentu saja saya sholat...
namun hampir setiap solat saya terasa hanya tubuh ini yang solat,
hati ini entah sedang apa, hati ini tidak ikut melakukan apa yang tubuh ini lakukan

saja jadi teringat tausiyah semalam

jangan biarkan segala hal tentang kehidupan membuat kita lupa akan kematian

Bersyukur,
mungkin ini salah satu cara berkomunikasi dengan Tuhan yang jarang saya lakukan

bersyukur bisa dilakukan pada kondisi apapun, karena meskipun pada situasi dan kondisi yang terburuk
pasti ada kebaikan yang masih diberikan oleh Tuhan
we just have to learn to see it...
^__^

*you just have to experience it by yourself to understand what i'm writing here